Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Mr. T Pities 18 Year-Old From Middletown, OH

As I mentioned in my last blog before the political rambling, I will primarily be presenting my opinion on news articles that I find. And with all of the excitement in the world and potential news stories, the first one I stumbled upon was a pressing matter. An eighteen year-old student buys 37,000 dollars worth of candy!


The questioning nature of my mind kicks into action.

How does an eighteen year- old student acquire thirty-seven grand? Many eighteen year-old students have jobs, but not many have such a salary. When I was eighteen, I think I might have made one, maybe two, thousand dollars throughout the year. The kid’s actually a genius. He mastered the basics of saving money- make someone else buy it. Yes, he entered someone else’s credit card number for payment. Brilliant! Foolproof! There were absolutely no gaps in his plan. He must have thought to himself, “who would have such an abundance of money as to not notice thirty-seven thousand dollars lavishly invested in candy? A publicly funded, under-budget school!” Yes, he used the school’s number to purchase the candy.

Would the school notice? Of course! But somehow they didn’t notice until the candy company contacted them. Maybe they didn’t notice because they gave the alleged kid their credit card number, knowing that the kid would make a purchase on behalf of the school. The school system was simply trying to frame an ex-student who, now no longer a student, is out of their jurisdiction and beyond the penile comprised of detentions and suspensions.

That is the most logical conspiracy want-to-be that I have ever heard, then again thought up myself. And if this illogical rationale holds true, then the school has the upper hand. The kid is now arrested with two counts of felony communications fraud. That’s just the real world sending the eighteen- year old a friendly welcome. A typical welcome might be a fruit basket. Only his fruit basket is filled with pears, cheese spread, chocolates, and a thirty-thousand dollar bail.

But don’t fret. For I have a stunning idea to raise money to post bail. I pose as a fake candy company (a fake company that sells candy, not a company that sells fake candy). A buddy of mine buys thirty thousand dollars worth of candy from me using that useful credit card number you’ve swindled from your school. Therefore, the school pays me thirty thousand dollars.

It’s a win-win situation. The first possible outcome is that I post your bail. If, on the outside chance that we get caught, my buddy goes to jail and you two will be cell-mates. And my friend is a cool guy, so you would like him.

Candy fraud is an epidemic that can be ignored no longer!

In conclusion, thirty- thousand dollars worth of candy is a lot of candy. It was worth the risk.

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