Thursday, February 26, 2009

75 Year-Old Tackles 29 Year-Old Bandit

Think back to yesterday afternoon. Where were you? What were you doing? What was going through your mind?

I could narrow those answers down for you. I know that you were not doing. You were not in Stuart, Florida. You were not thinking of robbing an old elderly couple from a new computer. And you were not attacked by that elderly man trying to retrieve his computer from your adolescent ways. It you were, you would be sitting in prison with a $12,500 bail.

If that was you who did attempt to rob an elderly couple, then stop reading now because this is a blog dedicated to poking fun at you. If that wasn’t you, then keep reading, and I’ll tell you what happened. It is a true story; only the names, ideas, and facts have been changed to make it more interesting.

A feeble man walked out of a best buy carrying a newly purchased computer and printer.

(That’s your first clue that this is not just an everyday, vulnerable, helpless person simply asking to be burglarized. I know this because no weak elder could carry a computer and printer without being extraordinary stature.)

He was alone because his wife went to drive the car up to pick him up.

(Maybe he wasn’t all that strong after all, if he couldn’t walk to the car. He could be a good person to rob.)

That’s when the 29 year-old found his target- old man, alone, carrying hundreds of dollars in merchandise. The soon-to-be-thief approached the elderly man, sized him up, realized that it would be an easy robbery, he snatched to merchandise and took off like a coward.

He didn’t make it 8 feet until the feeble old man overtook the fit, young man. A nearby security guard saw the altercation and cleaned up the scene. Now that’s embarrassing!

I could only imagine the scene. Did the old man start beating him with his can? Maybe the wife waiting in the car for him came out and started striking him with her purse. Regardless of their weapon of choice, I would have paid good money to see it. If someone videotaped this scene, it would have five stars on youtube and a million viewers overnight.

Instead of being a youtube star, that young man is in prison. And I wonder how he is getting along with his cell mates. I can see a conversation unfolding between him and his cell mates:

“So, what are you in for?”

“I tried to steal a computer from a 75 year-old man. But boy was he fast!”

Rule #1 of being respected in prison—lie.

Monday, February 23, 2009

We all know these types of people. The type of person who has to “one-up” everything you say. These are the kinds of people I simply cannot talk to. The second that these people open their mouths, I embrace myself for some poorly conceived story putting themselves in the social spotlight.

Just picture 4 guys in hanging out in a room. One of them tells a story about how they twisted their ankle the other day. The competition ensues. The game has begun and each must have a better story than the preceding storyteller.

The game begins when one person tells tale of his twisted ankle.

Now the ball is in the court of the football player jock who says, “My senior year, I broke my ankle and still made the winning touchdown!”

The skater goes on the offense. “Oh yeah! Well, I was in the parking lot attempting a super-McTwistie- 360-front flip-tail grab- 0’spin-ally when I landed wrong and sliced my shin clear through.”

Then the hick says, “That’s nothing! I was huntin’ with my pa’. I shot at a grizzly, missed. It chased after me and ate my whole left foot. I wrestled it and it’s now the carpet in my living room.”

Guy with twisted ankle- 0

(hmm… the jock isn’t winning the competition?)

Maybe the guy with the twisted ankle legitimately wanted to just tell people how he twisted his ankle. He probably didn’t know it was a competition.

It really grinds my gears when I just say some offhand comment in everyday conversation. Immediately, Mr. “My story’s better” grabs my innocent, docile story and chokes it until it turns blue in the face from inadequate story telling. If I had known it had been a competition, I would have buttered up the story and sold it with all of the detail I could muster. I, however, find it much easier to just avoid socially competitive people.

The examples are countless:

“I had a bad date. I really liked this girl, but I don’t think she likes me.”

“Oh yeah! Well that’s nothing! I had a date, where I was late, I ran out of gas, my fly was unzipped, she beat me with her purse, and placed a restraining order on me!”

That never helps the situation.

Maybe the cause of this problem is that some people feel the constant need to be the center of conversation. Any focus of attention away from them is grounds for drawing the conversation back to hover around them. They do that buy one-upping and negating others’ stories.

Don’t be “that guy.” Nobody wants to hang out with “that guy.” Don’t say “those things.” Don’t try to draw attention to “yourself.” Don’t use “quotations” to emphasis the point that “you’re trying” to make. Quotations just “confuse” people. What am I “referring” to with these “excessive” quotations?”

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Lame Pet Peeves

I thought that it would be good to begin my blog by giving you my current surroundings. I am sitting in my foyer, working diligently without distractions. It is a peaceful environment; very conducive to writing blogs. However I have a slight uneasy feeling, almost as if I can sense a brutal fight starting. It is just a feeling. I will ignore it.

In this blog, I would like to address some of my pet peeves. Like how much I hate it when people over exaggerate. Also, acting childish can be fun. However, when that childish acts turn into immaturity is where I draw the line and become aggravated.

(Hold on, I’ll have to get back to this blog in a minute, there are two guys fighting to the death. I will come back to be blog later, but right now I will depict everything I see.

Both of these guys have knife. Both are swinging viciously. The walls and carpet are painted with fresh blood. These guys are relentless.

Sense comes to one of them and he says, “what are we fighting about?”

Guy #2 replies with, “I told you, I would kill you if you poked me again. I’m just keeping my word.” Apparently, they were poking each other, and one person pushed just too far.

“That was a dumb thing to say,” the first one says.

And it now appears as if the fight is over. We are chatting, and I think I might get back to my blog. Only they just asked me a question, “what are you working on?”

Being the good friend that I am, I tell them. “I’m writing about how much I despise it when people over exaggerate and act childish.”)

Where was I? Oh yes, I remember.

I can think of one example that incorporates both pet peeves:

Not five minutes ago, I witnessed two guys having some sort of poke fight. The first thing I thought was, “how cute, 20 year-old guys trying to poke each other.” The only definition I could place on their actions was, “man-flirting.” One of them lost their temper and shouted my least favorite phrase…

“Touch me again and I’ll kill you!”

He must have been bluffing.

The other guy bought his bluff, looked him in the eye with a childish grin, and poked him square in the chest.


Another pet peeve of mine is redundancy; like when people say the same thing multiple times. For example, they could give an example more than once. Or they give an example more than one time. Over exaggerating is a pet peeve of mine, and so is redundancy.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Lone Wolf-Peach

I would bet that none of you know what lycopene is. I bet this computer does not know what lycopene is because it is telling me that I’m spelling it wrong. And can I take back my first bet, because, now that I think about it, there’s a good chance that many of you know what lycopene is. It is featured on every Heinz Ketchup bottle.

Why does Heinz have dibs on lycopene? Save some for the rest of us!

Lycopene is a powerful antioxidant and it’s found in ketchup. And that is the extent of everyone’s knowledge on the matter.

Keep in mind, this is not a boring medical journal or anything. I correct myself; it is boring, and it is something. 1 out of 3 isn’t bad… then again, it is twice as bad as failing. It looks like I need to correct myself again.

To further enhance my knowledge on the ever-growing topic of lycopene, I consulted the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia. They gave me a definition and brief explanation, only I wanted to learn for myself-not just read something.

The first step was to learn the root of the word “lycopene.” From there, I could start drawing conclusions on my own and learn about what true powers lycopene possesses. “Lyco-” is Greek for wolf. In this case, the derivation of “-pene” comes from “periscum,” Greek for “peach.” I will call lycopene “wolf-peach” for the rest of the article, seeing as I’m not trying to sound smart and don’t need to refer to it by its Greek name. I speak English, therefore, I will refer to lycopene by its English name.

Wolf-peach is a red pigment found in tomatoes, and is a powerful antioxidant. It has been proven that those who consume high amounts of wolf-peach are at less of a risk to develop cancer. Blatantly misleading! That statement addresses the correlation. But correlation does not mean they are at all connected. People with high consumption of wolf-peach must eat tomatoes a lot, more specifically ketchup, as ketchup contains the most wolf-peach of all tomato products. People don’t just eat ketchup. They put it on something. Often hotdogs. So people who eat a lot of hotdogs have a lower chance of getting cancer. I’m considering making this healthy change and eating, at least, 10 hotdogs a day.

But that’s not the end of the correlation. Consider this scenario. Maybe hospital cafes don’t serve ketchup because it looks too much like blood. No one wants to see blood right after surgery. Those who have cancer are at the hospital a lot. Therefore, they don’t eat as much ketchup. There’s another connection between wolf-peach and cancer patients.

Is wolf-peach good for you, or is it merely a marketing scheme by Heinz.

It’s good for you. The experts say so.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Mr. T Pities 18 Year-Old From Middletown, OH

As I mentioned in my last blog before the political rambling, I will primarily be presenting my opinion on news articles that I find. And with all of the excitement in the world and potential news stories, the first one I stumbled upon was a pressing matter. An eighteen year-old student buys 37,000 dollars worth of candy!


The questioning nature of my mind kicks into action.

How does an eighteen year- old student acquire thirty-seven grand? Many eighteen year-old students have jobs, but not many have such a salary. When I was eighteen, I think I might have made one, maybe two, thousand dollars throughout the year. The kid’s actually a genius. He mastered the basics of saving money- make someone else buy it. Yes, he entered someone else’s credit card number for payment. Brilliant! Foolproof! There were absolutely no gaps in his plan. He must have thought to himself, “who would have such an abundance of money as to not notice thirty-seven thousand dollars lavishly invested in candy? A publicly funded, under-budget school!” Yes, he used the school’s number to purchase the candy.

Would the school notice? Of course! But somehow they didn’t notice until the candy company contacted them. Maybe they didn’t notice because they gave the alleged kid their credit card number, knowing that the kid would make a purchase on behalf of the school. The school system was simply trying to frame an ex-student who, now no longer a student, is out of their jurisdiction and beyond the penile comprised of detentions and suspensions.

That is the most logical conspiracy want-to-be that I have ever heard, then again thought up myself. And if this illogical rationale holds true, then the school has the upper hand. The kid is now arrested with two counts of felony communications fraud. That’s just the real world sending the eighteen- year old a friendly welcome. A typical welcome might be a fruit basket. Only his fruit basket is filled with pears, cheese spread, chocolates, and a thirty-thousand dollar bail.

But don’t fret. For I have a stunning idea to raise money to post bail. I pose as a fake candy company (a fake company that sells candy, not a company that sells fake candy). A buddy of mine buys thirty thousand dollars worth of candy from me using that useful credit card number you’ve swindled from your school. Therefore, the school pays me thirty thousand dollars.

It’s a win-win situation. The first possible outcome is that I post your bail. If, on the outside chance that we get caught, my buddy goes to jail and you two will be cell-mates. And my friend is a cool guy, so you would like him.

Candy fraud is an epidemic that can be ignored no longer!

In conclusion, thirty- thousand dollars worth of candy is a lot of candy. It was worth the risk.

What's Actually Happening On "What's Happening Here..."

My blog with no perceivable direction seems to be finding a pattern. Many of them tend to be my own skewed opinion on some news stories that I’ve come across. Similar to the opinion articles in the newspaper, only with a few exceptions; I have cute pictures at the beginning of each article and this opinion section has only one person’s opinion. That’s me. There is room for your opinion also- the comment section. This blog is a democratic allegory. I am the government and you are my constituents. My opinion is the one that matters. You however do still have input. You can comment. Other than that, you are objects of my oppression, and you owe me your allegiance!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Sarcasm: The Most Highly Developed Form of Wit

Note: This is mostly sarcastic. Therefore, you can interpret it to mean whatever you want it to.

Some people just don’t appreciate the art of a solid use of sarcasm. I’ve heard a lot of people say that sarcasm is one of their biggest pet peeves.

Then again, it makes sense. Why would someone say the exact opposite of what they mean to convey what they actually do mean (and that was a rhetorical question, not sarcasm)?

But isn’t a little sarcasm beneficial? Yes. I will prove it. Take the following examples. Example “A” does not use sarcasm, on the other hand, example “B” utilizes sarcasm to the fullest. Each depict the same point, therefore, not one should be better than another:

(A) In order to learn more about sarcasm , I searched the web. I found that sarcasm is a form of speech using irony and is usually bitter or cutting. Sarcasm is known as the lowest form of wit. I disagree with this because sarcasm can sometimes be effective in conveying a point.


(B) In order to learn more about sarcasm, I checked with Wikipedia. Apparently, sarcasm is a form of speech using irony and is usually bitter or cutting. I know that this is true because I personally updated that entry yesterday. Sarcasm is known as the lowest form of wit. Then to test this website’s credibility, I searched “misleading” and “deception.” My theory was confirmed when and both ”misleading” and “deception” directed me to wikipedia’s home page.

The irony is tangible.

("Misleading" and "Deception" do not actually redirect you to wikipedia's home page)

So why is sarcasm so looked down upon? Some sarcasm is annoying, and in those circumstances, I side with the critics. When I do a job poorly at work, my incredibly witty manager might say to me “nice job,” and I think to myself, “Wow, effective use of sarcasm, buddy!” If his sarcasm bugged me, then why did I respond with sarcasm? Because my sarcasm is an exquisite example and it trumped my manager’s.

Let’s break down the sarcasm and analyze the uses of sarcasm from a scientific perspective. I’m much better at sarcasm than my manager.

All he did was say “Nice job” to imply “bad job, fix it.” By me saying “Wow, effective use of sarcasm, buddy,” I would have given him a smorgasbord of sarcasm. First off, I say “wow,” implying shock, as if his defective sarcasm actually surprised me. But then again, I didn't expect any better from his atempt at a witty comment. But the presence of sarcasm shows that the ability to think of a witty comment was beyond him. By saying “effective use of sarcasm,” I would be saying the opposite of that; it was really weak sarcasm, and I’m probably not going to fix the alleged “good job.” And to top it off I add a snide “Buddy” at the end. It’s funny because he is not my buddy. This article is not about sarcasm, it’s about how to lose a job.

I love sarcasm- seriously, not sarcastically. It is effective. You say the opposite of what you want to imply what you want to say in the first place. The true definition of sarcasm (not wikipedia’s definition) should be "just a round-about way of saying one thing when you mean another in order to portray to the audience your original idea and to make it easier for them because they don’t know what you’re talking about until you restate the original, sarcastic statement, only this time putting the sarcasm on hold". Now wasn’t that easier to understand than “a form of ironic speech.”

What's great is that half of this entry is sarcastic.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Hope Implies Desperation

I was briefly watching the news last night. There was a story covering the inauguration. That was a couple weeks ago, so it must have been a slow day for news. I guess nothing new was happening. There was a lady being interviewed who witnessed the inauguration. She said, “There is so much hope. You can really feel it.”

This got me thinking, why did we really elect our president? What were our motives?

“There is so much hope. You can feel it”

Those two sentences express much more than two thoughts. I believe we can all agree that right now, there needs to be some changes made in our country’s leadership. Hope is a feeling, not an a change or an improvement. And what about this “feeling” that the interviewee had? I don’t think that what our country needs now is to feel good, or feel hope. I think that we need results.

I feel good about giving money to a homeless man. He then spent the money on drugs and got too plastered to remember the grace I lent him.

It might be about time we, as a nation, start thinking about our domestic problems at home. Maybe divert our resources away from those who “need” them thousands of miles away, and focus them within our own borders

I feel hopeful that this entry is good enough already to receive an excellent grade, even if I just wrapped it up right now. If that’s really how I feel, then maybe I need a reality check.

It might be good if our nation’s citizens focus on a president that can show that feelings of hope are not sufficient in the real world. There must be tangible results. Not abstract, poorly conceived ideas that might appear good on paper (or a convincing speech), but when addressed logically appear more like a perfect child’s Sunday school answer.

I feel upset when you rubbed it in my face that you beat me in a game of basketball. But looking closer, I have won every game that we’ve played since we were kids. You are justified.

Some people think that finally having a black president is a huge accomplishment in breaking down racial barriers. Other’s feel that the sheer fact that race is mentioned and celebrated is a testament that racism exists. Maybe it doesn’t matter if Barack Obama is black. And it does not matter that his race is celebrated. It is about time we look closer at each other, instead of finding masks to veil our racism.

My hope for America is this:
We stop worrying about specifics following the president. We rally behind him weather conservative, liberal, or our race. We start thinking for ourselves; when we do, we can have a credible voice and truly be a democracy ran by the people- for the people. And most of all, we stop feeling hope and start making change.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Photographer: Guilty, Michael Phelps: Still Kind of Guilty

Fourteen-time Olympic gold medal winner, Michael Phelps, was caught doing what one-half of all college-aged people have done; smoke marijuana. This article was released a month ago today, so maybe it’s old news, if it was, I just had not heard it until today.

Phelps’s plan to add to his fourteen gold medals in the 2012 Olympics might have been traded for a few puffs at a college party last November. A picture was taken of him inhaling from a bong. The World Anti-Doping Agency rules state that drug users face a two-year ban.

Wow! Our morals have fallen off the deep end. You know it is a miserable day when society turns to handing reporters evidence of their heroes and role models getting smashed. He just won fourteen gold medals and made over one-hundred million dollars. Life has to be tough, so just give him a break, danget!

Who was the photographer who took the illicit picture to begin with? And what new devilry made the photographer squeal? This sure is a time of loose morals.

Phelps showed up unexpectedly at a house party at the University of South Carolina in Columbia. He walked in and everyone was gawking. Phelps gave these college students a brush with fame. How do Phelps’s fellow partiers return the favor? They sell him out to news reporters. They disgust me!

Now Phelps has to take the hit for those fickle sources who sold his dignity to the press.

Phelps never hurt anyone by smoking except for himself. Those who sold him out to the press caused a world of hate. Phelps’s swimming career is now in jeopardy. Children mourn their role model’s loss of innocence. Parents everywhere are now consoling their distraught children and have to explain what drugs are to their children's virgin ears. But of course, Phelps is the one being punished.

Phelps broke the law and got caught doing it. But, I, along with so many others, am a Michael Phelps fan. I don’t want him to be punished. But as the too commonly used, and rarely thought out phrase goes, “rules are rules.”

Here is an idea. The typical pot head’s solution to every problem is now applicable; legalize marijuana. “ C’mon, it’s not that bad for you... it’s not as addictive as cigarettes…uhh drug traffic, economy, man.” That argument does not convince many lawmakers. If you really want to legalize marijuana, then get out your pens and papers and send a letter to you congressman. You now have a solid, logical reason to legalize marijuana. Michael Phelps does not need to be punished if he has not done anything wrong.

Even though I am relatively conservative and have never partaken in this socially encouraged rite to “maturity,” I think marijuana should be legalized. I could go into more details, but if this blog was any longer you would have closed this window and found something else to read.

Looking past all of the sarcasm, my underlying point is that people need to relax and not scrutinize people’s personal lives, even if they are celebrities. When Michael Phelps is in the water, he can be mistaken for a fish, a shark, or even a role model; but outside of the pool, he transforms and resembles an actual human being, who makes human mistakes. Is it really that hard to believe?